Monday, July 22, 2013

//learning to live again//

I have decided that too much inspiration seeking will leave you drained, uninspired, stuck, and believing that you just can't create.  My camera has spent the last couple months in a bag, being moved from one spot to the next but never being used and all because I have spent more time looking at "inspiration" and less time actually creating something to be proud of.  In all honesty, Instagram, my favorite and most used app has become a crutch; a reason to never create my own life.  In 100 years so and so's Instagram photographs won't matter to me, but the fact that my nephew is almost three and growing more and more each day will. 
           I feel like I only return to this blog when I realize my own authenticity is dying and in a way, it's true.  This place is full of my authenticity and of the beauty I was passionate about capturing.  But I have such a horrible tendency to let others be authentic and mimic their authenticity and so create a cheap copy; a hollow life.  But I want to change.  I want to rediscover my passion and reinvent my servant life.  To make relationships that will last and let go of grudges.  I'm not perfect.  I do fail, get irritated, and forget what's important daily.  But I want to learn to live.  Oh, do I want to learn.  
            So, I'll sign out of my distractions for a while.  I'll start run in the mornings and play card games at night.  I'll kiss cheeks and hold little hands, and perhaps the life I always searched for online will create itself on its own.  Perhaps life is less about saying and more about doing, because when it's all said and done I want my life to be full of midnight laughter, the sound of shuffling cards, the feel of the sun warming my cheeks, a blend of off-key singing, and the feeling of riding with the windows down and hands riding the breeze it creates.  Life is a collection of feelings that can't be bought.  No, it can only be found by packing my bags and hiking down the trail of my life.  Sometimes I will walk alone and some days you may walk with me, but the beauty will be the same.  I need only to be still.